The Consortium

It's you - not me

Dear GOP-

I'm really sorry but this relationship of ours just isn't working out.  You want my contributions, volunteer hours, and vote but then when it's time to make policy you call me a "yahoo," "nativist," "racist," "restrictionist," or "rube."  I can no longer abide that kind of verbal abuse.  Furthermore, you run from my warm November embrace and leap blindly into Uncle Teddy Kennedy's fleshy arms.  Maybe I am too demanding, too needy but I cannot help it - I expect when I ask a conservative to the big dance that once the music starts my date won't start necking with La Raza behind the bleachers.  I suppose you can tell by now that the big reason for our demise is your most recent flirtation with Amnesty.  It's one betrayal too many, GOP;  I am only human.  I can only take so much.  You have to have seen us drifting apart since you pulled this stunt last year with Kennedy and McCain.  Sure they may be the cool kids and have the best shindigs and all but what we had was so pure, so beautiful.

Anyway, I think we should, like, totally break up and start seeing other people.  Well, you already are but I thought I might seek out a tall, dark & handsome conservative Party someday.  Until then I'll just wing it out there on my own as an independent.  Please don't cry - I think this is really harder on me.  After all, you seemed to view what we had as more of a string of November Tuesday one night stands with the occassional phone (bank) - um shall we say - fun.  We had some good times, didn't we?  Mmmm, good times .....  Anyhow, let's not make this any harder than it has to be.  Like Ronald Reagan used to say about his famous break-up with the Democrat Party of his youth:  he didn't leave the Democrat Party, the Party left him.  I feel the same way about you, pooky.  I am not so much leaving the GOP as it has left me this week.  No, no, no, don't protest.  It's all just too much.  Just remember to please scratch my name out of that black book of yours (snail mail AND email addresses please!). 

I know next time you're lookin' for a few bucks you'll come crawling back all doe-eyed and maybe even showing some leg, but please remember that this time is the last time.  We're not Ross & Rachel and we're not just going on "a break."  We've been through this too many times and a clean split is the only way either of us will get any closure.  I'll miss the old GOP but the new you is so unrecognizable in so many ways.  Alas, goodbye my sweet and - "So we beat on, boats against the current........."  - good-bye!

Best wishes,

Brian Mahoney (BORU)

What Might Have Been...(cough, cough)

James Lileks provides an outstanding tongue-in-cheek look at how the American Left thinks the world would be like if they were in charge in his Screedblog from yesterday.  He writes ten times better than I ever could, so I'll let his work speak for itself.

-- RAM

Insurgents among us...

Matt (a/k/a "tre") told me he was going to Wisconsin this weekend to "visit his sister."

I think we know what he's really up to:

"Those who sow the curds of blasphemy will reap the cheddar wheel of destruction.”

-- RAM

(Hat tip:  K-dub).

Eyes on Kerry's Behind

Jay Tea at Wizbang! unveils the quote of the year in describing former Democratic nominee John Kerry's uncanny ability to be right most of the time in hindsight:

John Kerry spends so much time talking out of his ass, it's no surprise he'd finally slip and say he looks out of it, too.

How true...

-tre

USC Math Exam

A friend of mine at U.S.C. is a big sports nut and loves getting his hands on sports paraphenalia.  Given U.S.C.'s dominance this year, anything related to the team is getting top dollar.  My friend has really sunk to new levels in his quest for Leinhart, Bush and Carroll related items.  Last Thursday, he was digging through the garbage outside one of the classroom buildings on campus and he came across some of the players' old exams.  Some of the answers he found were pretty funny. 

For example, this is the answer to Question No. 3 from Matt Leinhart's last math exam:

-tre (with a pretty cheap attempt at humor)

Hyperbole In Liberal La-La Land

The Democratic National Committee hits a perfect 10 on the unintentional comedy scale by unveiling this hyperbolic gem in reference to the Libby indictment:

WORSE THAN WATERGATE

I will have to catalog this one under "Satire" because it is so ridiculous.

-tre

Giant War Robots?

Frank J. at IMAO has some interesting, um, thoughts on our occupation in Iraq.  It is good, funny reading.

-tre

An Open Letter to Senator Durbin

Dear Senator Durbin,

As a constituent of your fine state of Illinois, I find it my civic duty to alert you to instances of "torture" happening right here in the United States -- to ordinary Americans!

As a young man, I was forced to spend time in a cinderblock "prison" along with many others my age.  During the summertime, we would endure unbearable heat, as the facility lacked any air-conditioning.  In the winter, we would often tremble at the tendrils of icy air that would seep in through the poorly-insulated windows and doors.  The heater was often "broken," although I suspect that excuse may simply have been part of the administration's cost-cutting techniques.  Despite such discomfort, we were forbidden from wearing jackets or coats inside, as it did not comply with the standard "uniform."

In addition, we were forced to sit in uncomfortable positions for hours on end, while our "captors" berated us with their propaganda.  At the sound of a bell, we were shuffled from room to room like so much cattle, so that a new "educator" could impart even more propaganda on us.  Often, they would force us to listen to obnoxious music (this, for example), sometimes at high volume, and force us to sing along at times.  At meal times, we were required to provide for ourselves, as we were told the facility did not have the means to feed our growing population.  On top of everything else, our "captors" included an inordinate amount of women, often resulting in the dreaded "invasion of personal space by a female."

Finally, akin to the often-rumored practice of Chinese executioners sending bills to the victim's family for the cost of ammunition, our "captors" actually forced our parents to pay for our "detainment." 

I can tell by your recent comments on the Senate floor that you are a man of conscience and will not allow more Americans to suffer the same fate I once did. 

In fact, if you read this and I did not tell you that I am describing what I went through as an ordinary student at a typical Catholic grade school in suburban Ohio, you would most certainly believe this must have been done by Nazis, Soviets in their gulags, or some mad regime -- Pol Pot or others -- that had no concern for human beings, right?

Then again, you may just be an unprincipled idealogue who received his talking points from his party superiors that the "torture issue" should be used to gain as many political points against the current Presidential administration as possible, and all-too-eagerly followed your marching orders.  You would never stoop so low, though, would you?  To impugn the integrity of our men & women in uniform -- during wartime, no less -- so that you might land a few political volleys across the aisle? 

I should hope not.  Fight the good fight, Senator!  Bring an end to "torture" on American soil!  Close Gitmo!  And, while you're at it, shut down the American "educational" system, that so callously subjects our young men & women to such degrading conditions!*

Your (ahem) loyal constituent,

RAM

(*DISCLAIMER:  I am in no way advocating the shutting down of the American educational system -- Catholic or otherwise.  As the subject line says, this is satire, people.)

TV Disorder Paralyzes FL's Idle, Lazy, Dim-Witted

DELRAY BEACH -

Tens of the laziest rich folks known to man no sooner got over their bout with PEST, Post-Election Stress Disorder, when their days of sun bathing, Martini lunches, and inter-class fornication came to a screeching halt once more.   Nancy M. Tabet, a local unlicensed mental health professional, has seen a rise in a new anxiety based disorder caused by the impending end to the first season of Disney-owned ABC's hit series, Desperate Housewives.

"Desperate Housewives only has three new episodes left and after last week's cheap rehashing of the series thus far," Tabet said from her office/sweat-lodge, "I have seen an upswing in the number of people seeking relief for what I like to call Desperate HouseWives Hiatus Withdrawl Syndrome, or DeHoWiHiWiSy, for short."  Ms. Tabet notes that the new disorder is only coincidentally arising as her former PEST patients' just seemed to have been able to mainstream themselves back into Boca Raton and Delray Beach society.  She discounts any skepticism by fully-realized, mature adults who reside outside the South Florida area, citing the American Health Association's recognition of both PEST and DeHoWiHiWiSy.  She refused to comment on the AHA's additional recognition of the Boogie Man, the Sand Man, and the Tooth Fairy.  "I am not qualified to discuss nocturnal phenomena, "she stated, "As most of my training came at the South Florida Transgendered Holistic Day Spa and Putt-Putt Arts Complex out on route 91."

The AHA's executive director, and part-time pool boy for the Horowitzes of Boca Raton, Rob Gordon asserts that many, many more Americans - but probably mostly just South Floridians - will be afflicted by DeHoWiHiWiSY as the season finale draws closer on May 22nd and the weeks that follow.  "Much like PEST," Mr. Gordon said, "DeHoWiHiWiSy effects the ability of rich, liberals to act productively when not getting their way all the time."

Melinda Davies, a homemaker and self-described "philanthropic diva," was one of the first of Ms. Tabet's patients to seek counselling for the new disorder.  "Melinda may very well be patient zero, in this case," Ms. Tabet said, " and as a PEST survivor we are so fortunate to get her into therapy as soon as possible."

"I first noticed DeHoWiHiWiSy taking its toll last Monday," Mrs. Davies said.  "Of course, I didn't know what to call it until I went in to see Nancy.  I just knew that morning that it was all I could do to tell the maid to tell the nanny to keep my kids quiet.  Why, I was shaking and jittery, exhausted and sweaty - I just felt so out of control and helpless, like back in November."

"It's gonna be a long, hot summer, " Mr. Gordon said, placing most of the blame on Michael Eisner, who exits as Disney's chairman this fall.  "But I am pretty sure George W. Bush has something to do with it, too," he added.  Mr. Gordon promised to work in concert with Ms. Tabet and "all of South Florida's unlicensed mental health gurus" to stamp out the debilitating effects of DeHoWiHiWiSy. 

"We won't rest until every idle, womanly resident of this area - and this nation, if need be - is free from the paralyzing grip of this very real, very dangerous disorder," Ms. Tabet pledged.  "I'll stake my reputation on it."

BORU